But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
