I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
