I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
