it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
