just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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