Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Your penis caused this!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
