Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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