do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
