Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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