Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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