Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
