Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
