I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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