I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
