she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
