Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
