If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We left the knife in your bed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Randomize
