I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
