She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
