why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
