I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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