I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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