woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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