it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
