yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
