I looked at my own cervix.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
