Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
