names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
