have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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