this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
