made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
