Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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