Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
