I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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