He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
