Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
