she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
