My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
