P.S. I can't hear my feet
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink