I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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