Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
