woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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