We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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