final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
