I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
