My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
