I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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