He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
