Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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