im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
