At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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