Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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